"Neither way is superior; both are special, and both are great ways to have a child of your very own."

I lifted this article from a friend (LS)'s FB page.

“Adoption is Not the Same as Having a Child of Your Own”

Posted by Dawn Davenport - May 18th, 2010 - 42 Comments  

Published in * Adoption, * Infertility, Adoptive Parenting, parenting after infertility

Last week, I blogged on some insensitive comments posted on an essay about the pain felt by many infertile woman on Mother’s Day.  (“Why Not Just Adopt”)  It wasn’t, however, just the infertile that were maimed by thoughtlessness.  A number of comments by infertile people in response to the questions of why not adopt echoed Maire: “Adoption is not the same as having a child of your own.”

The statement that adoption is not the same as having a child of your own is both remarkably accurate and remarkably wrong.  The first part—“not the same as”—is quite true.  Adoption and giving birth are two very different ways of creating your family.  Just as New York City and Paris are two different vacation destinations, or chocolate and vanilla are two different flavors of ice cream.

Adoptive parent don’t get to experience the joys and pains of pregnancy and birth.  They don’t have the visual proof of impending parenthood and the communal sharing this elicits.  They miss out on the wonder of seeing a tiny foot or head or butt make waves across the belly.  They don’t get to indulge in the pregnant parent’s favorite pastime–playing Guess the Gene. “Whose nose she will have” or “Will he get grandma’s gigantic feet?”  They likely won’t get to breastfeed exclusively.  The expense of adoption, while often similar to the expense of giving birth, is covered by the adoptive parents rather than insurance.  And then there is the worry about the unknown–prenatal exposures, genetic conditions, emotional state of the expectant mother, and on and on.

We seem to focus so readily on what adoptive parent miss by not giving birth that we overlook what parents by birth miss by not adopting.  As a mother by birth and adoption, I have often felt a little sorry for people who haven’t adopted.  They have missed so much.

If you haven’t adopted you haven’t felt the breath holding excitement of “getting the call” announcing that a birth mother has chosen you (domestic adoption) or that a child has been referred (international adoption).  You’ve missed the wonder of meeting a fully formed human being that is your child, complete with all the unspoken possibilities of that relationship.  Oh, and you’ll never have the pins and needles sensation of waiting to travel to pick up your child whether you’re driving across town or flying across an ocean—making lists, packing and unpacking, giggling at absolutely nothing, and worrying over absolutely everything.

People who’ve never adopted have never felt the overwhelming intensity of first meeting their child.  It’s hard to explain the giddy anticipation mixed with unnamed anxiety.  This combination of emotions helps etch even the tiniest details into your memory forever– the colors, the smells, the words, the emotions.  For me, this moment is one of my “mountain top experiences”.

Adoption can make the everyday seem miraculous.  The moment when this child that you met only a few months or even weeks before seeks you, and only you, out of the crowd with her eyes.  The moment when you realize that your small developmentally delayed child is now a robust into-everything preschooler, and the quiet pride you feel knowing that but for you, these gains may not have happened.  The contentment in knowing that you took a risk and it paid off.  A feeling of satisfaction unique to adoptive parents when we look around our Thanksgiving table and realize that we are a family created by choice and love.

Yes Marie, you’re so right.  Creating a family by adoption is not the same as creating a family by birth.  You couldn’t be more wrong, however, about the “child of your own” part.

I’m not exactly sure what Marie and others meant by “a child of your own”, but it implies a desire for a child who looks and acts like you.  A child you conceive will share half your DNA, and while it’s true that appearance and certain characteristics are influenced by genetics, what’s most interesting from research, as well as from my personal experience, is how little of our traits, personality, and intelligence are controlled exclusively by our genes.  (I highly recommend the Dec. 9, 2009 Creating a Family  show we did on Nature vs. Nurture).

A child conceived and born of you and your spouse will be a mixing of two different gene pools, with a unique environment thrown in for good measure.  Your child by birth may be nothing like you at all.  I can honestly say that I am no more similar to my kids by birth than to my kid by adoption.  And for the record, similarities are overrated.  Being similar to a child doesn’t guarantee closeness or parental enjoyment.  In fact, sometimes it means just the opposite.  Also, it’s easy to find similarities with all your kids, if you look for them.

I suspect that those who made the comments are seeking a feeling of “this child is mine”.  But what they are missing is that this feeling comes through the acts of parenting.  Sure, giving birth is one act, and a big darn act at that, but parenting is made up of thousands of acts each day, and it is the sum total of all these acts of claiming that creates this feeling of “owness”.  Biology has little to do with it, unless you make it.

I worry a little when I hear the word “own” used in relation to our children.  I am sure that Marie would assure me that she wasn’t using “own” in the possessive sense, but I wonder.  I know that before I had children, and even when my children were young, I thought of them as an extension of myself.  It was only after my children grew older that I completely grasped the concept that I am only along for a short part of the ride.  I can influence and guide, but never own.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to go all Kahlil Gibran on you, but your kids are never really yours regardless how they join your family.

I can hear it now, all these things I mentioned that are special about adoption are not necessarily unique to adoption.  Parents by birth can and do have some of these same experiences.  True enough, but doesn’t that help make the bigger point?  I have always realized that I am immensely blessed to have had children by both birth and adoption. I can’t imagine not having had the joy and excitement of doing it both ways.  Neither way is superior; both are special, and both are great ways to have a child of your very own.

Continuing to be Transparent

Since I started blogging, many of you have been unbelievably encouraging and complimentary regarding my updates.  While I really appreciate those responses, the fact of matter is that I feel terribly unqualified or unworthy to be blogging for an audience.  Let me explain.

First of all, I know many wonderful writers among family and friends.  When I read their writing, I feel awestruck and sometimes even envious at how they can utilize words so accurately to describe their thoughts.  These people seem to use words so effortlessly yet effectively, while I am busy with my two best friends: dictionary.com and thesaurus.com!

There are two main reasons for feeling completely self-conscious about my writing.  One reason is that as a child, I HATED reading.  In fact, I did not start enjoying reading until middle school!  Due to the lack of exposure to great literature, I was naturally a very poor writer.  I knew nothing about writing summaries or essays.  Because I was a late bloomer, I lagged and continue to trail others in reading and writing.  The irony is that this late bloomer tries to encourage her students, who remind her of herself, to read and inspire them to love reading!  (Our God has a sense of humor, for sure!)


Secondly, as you notice right away when reading my blog, English is not my first language.  My family immigrated from Korea when I was ten years old.  Using the English language is sometimes still very difficult.  I've been an introvert all my life, and so I am usually quiet in a large group setting.  And as a child, I hardly spoke in front of others because I refused to make mistakes and be made fun of.  (You know how cruel children can be!)  Therefore, I did not practice speaking English like the other English learners.  My English is a lot poorer than my sisters' and brother's as well.  So, my reservedness and unwillingness to take risks, got me where I am today - having trouble with this language.  Ugh!!!  By the way, my Korean isn't great either.  So I speak two languages imperfectly!!!

Due to these two obvious handicaps, never did I want people to read my writing.  However, in spite of my fears, I decided to blog for one reason: to share our adoption story.  However, unbeknownst to me, the more I blog, the more I realize that the focus isn't me or even adoption or our baby, Little Lee.  My story really has become God's story.  My message is He has allowed us to go through something seemingly so difficult for so long, yet, He has held me tenderly and closely in His arms this whole time.  It's the story of when I start to sense abandonment by my Heavenly Father, that He points out every little and big blessings, and reassures me that I am NOT alone.  Also, it's the reminder that when my life is spinning out of control, He whispers in my ears that the One who designed and created the stars and the planets, the delicate flowers and majestic seas, is still in control over everything, including my life.

Therefore, in spite of numerous grammar errors and inarticulate or incoherent writing at times, I will continue to honestly and humbly blog what I have learned.  I will do my best to be a jar of clay, to be used for the Master and for His purpose.  And I sincerely hope that the Lord uses my poorly written testimony to touch your heart.  Thanks for reading! :)

So many blessings...can't count them all!!!

It's funny how when you announce that you are pregnant, typically, your family and friends are extrememly happy for you.  It's rather different when you announce that you decided to adopt a child.  Although you end up with the same result, with a child, you do not always receive the same kind of initial reaction.

When we first announced our news to our family and friends, and then to colleagues and patients, we really didn't know what to expect.  The most nerve-wrecking part was telling our families, of course.  My sisters and brother were utterly ecstatic for us!!!  (Both of our parents still need some more time.)  I think many people wanted to suggest adoption to us in the last several years as they became aware of our situation, but they didn't.  Well, I am so grateful that they didn't push it because had they brought it up, I don't think I would have accepted it very well. I just wasn't ready then.

Announcing this news meant also admitting our struggles for the last almost 9 years.  Part of me wanted to leave that portion of the letter out and not be completely transparent because I didn't want the whole world to know our struggle with infertility.  I felt like I needed some privacy.  However, after showing absolute vulnerability,  I've been COMPLETELY astounded by people's reactions.  Many, many of them wrote emails or messages encouraging me how they were so touched by my honesty and also expressed their excitement for us.

I guess something happens inside of all of us when we hear another person's heartache, brokenness, or tragedy.  Most people do not dare to gloat or rejoice in their misery.  Instead, they hurt with you, share your heart, at best, lift you up in prayers if they are praying people.  And that's exactly what has happened to us.

I feel that I am surrounded by a cloud of witnesses, as the Bible says, people praying for not just the adoption process but for our baby who is growing inside of a girl/woman somewhere in Korea.  I am so thankful that we are not the only two praying for that baby.  Please continue to pray that my baby's birth mother isn't feeling too much stress by this baby that will be born out of wedlock; that she's not drinking, smoking, or taking harmful substances; instead that she's taking care of her pregnant self and my baby; that she is emotionally and mentally healthy.

I do hope that my child's birth mother doesn't feel guilty about giving up her child.  I also hope that she knows that there is a couple on the other side of the globe who is willing to lay their life for her child.  I wish I could tell her that she needs not worry about the well-being of this child because s/he will be so thoroughly loved as we attempt to show the baby a glimpse of God's love for all of us.

Lately, God's been teaching us to be gracious receivers.  For many Christians, we grow up learning that we aught to help and give to others when they are in need.  Because of that, we can often be the worst receivers and be completely self-reliant and self-sufficient.  Through this adoption process, we've been blessed by so many generous people around us.  Recently, I had a car trouble.  I was floored yet again by the way my friends came to my side and offered help; I have truly seen God at work.  So, although it's still not easy, I'm trying to receive with a grateful and humble heart.

Lessons I have learned recently:
1. When we become transparent before others, you will be surprised at how God uses it!
2. Prayers of many > prayers of two.
3. Although it isn't easy, receive gratefully, graciously, and humbly.  And when opportunity arises, give to others, the way you've been given.

Happy New Year!!!

Happy 2011!!!!!!!!

I know very few people who make new year's resolutions, especially as an adult.  Well, I am one of those few that also believe if you shoot for the moon, you will at least end up on a star even if you miss.  Yes, it is cheesy and very childlike, but then I work with children.  Some of my resolutions in the past years have been:

- consistent Quiet Time

- giving God 10% of my time each day - 24 min. out of 24 hrs. I know that math isn't correct! :)

- reading a specific number of books

- being thankful for everything

- forgiving others regularly

- praying more

- reading the Bible from cover to cover

- etc., etc.

As I reflect on 2010, there are many reasons to be thankful for.  Exactly a year ago, Chris and I visited daily the site where Sweet Life would be as it was being built out.  We observed construction and waited holding our breath hoping that we would open according to schedule.  A year later, we find ourselves incredibly thankful at how God has met our expectations and more!!! 

Another significant realization I've learned in 2010 is that all my family, friends, and acquaintances are "gems" that God has handpicked to make my life more meaningful and beautiful.  Some are precious gems whom I call "refreshers."  They are the optimistic and cheerful people with strong faith who refresh and pick me up when I feel despondent or melancholy.  God has also planted some "pebbles" those who can be described as "drainers," and if I had a say, I wouldn't near them.  However, He has allowed these people into my life so that I can be a gem in their life, the one refreshing and picking them up.  While I am bedazzled by many diamonds and rubies, I am also surrounded by pebbles that are waiting to become beautiful gems.  The only difference between the diamonds and pebbles is that the former has gone through the Refiner's fire!

As I ring in 2011, I know that God will continue to bring people into my life, both gems and pebbles.  I came across this quote recently: “Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.” ~ Mother Teresa of Calcutta

I've been known to complain how I end up with a rude or unfriendly cashier at the store, without fail!  In fact, s/he might have been very nice to the person before me, but as soon as I step up, the smile disappears!  I am certain that I will com across many more unpleasant people, however, I will not allow those people to bring me down with them.  This year, I choose to give him/her a small gift, a smile! :) 

We are ecstatic about what this year holds for us as we move forward with our adoption process.  We've completed all the paperwork for Bethany.  From this point on, we patiently and gratefully wait and wait until our referral (when they send as a picture of our baby!!!)  However, while we wait, we will also be applying for grants to cover the adoption costs.  

So, I resolve 2011 to be the year...

- that I continue to be thankful for the gems and gems-to-be in my life

- that I give a small gift (smile) to EVERYone I encounter

- our family receives a SPECIAL blessing, where we grow from three (including Happy) to FOUR!

I also pray that 2011 be synonymous with: extraordinary, healthy, prayerful, purposeful, adventurous, and overflowing with thankfulness, joy, peace, kindness, blessing, miracle, laughter, and love!