Trusting God When It Doesn't Make Sense

Since I last posted, it feels like a lot has happened.  Back in December, we received a small package from Lincoln's foster mom.  In it, we found a photo album and a USB with 800+ pictures!!!  Through those pictures, we could see Lincoln's growth.  She also wrote a really thoughtful letter letting us know how Lincoln is doing.  She mentioned how she had been praying for Lincoln to be adopted by Korean-American parents who are Christian, and therefore so thankful that her prayers were answered.  In looking at all those pictures (every day), we could tell that Lincoln is being loved and well taken care of.  We saw that his foster family takes him places (beach, mountain, aquarium, etc.).  We really appreciate all the interaction between Lincoln and his foster dad, as we strong believe that relationship with a male figure is so very important.  We also learned that he's been with this family since he was two months old and that they truly love him like their own.  And we are beyond thankful that Lincoln is in good hands.

Then earlier this week, my in-laws who live in Korea got to meet Lincoln!!!  They met him and his foster parents with a social worker at the Holt office.  My mother-in-law had a hard time hiding her tears when she saw our beautiful child.  He is described to be very easy going as he went to both my father-in-law and then mother-in-law without any hesitation although they were strangers to him.  My father-in-law took a few pictures of him interacting with them.  Hearing about their meeting was bittersweet for me.  While I was thrilled that at least some family members got to see him, we were disappointed that it wasn't us.  We wish we could hold our son and play with him and let him know how much we love him.

Then soon after, we emailed the Holt Korean social worker regarding any updates on our due date.  Unfortunately, we received a bleak reply.  According to her, last year, many kids were picked up around 21 months of age.  With the new Korean laws regarding adoption and Korean court/government taking much longer, she guesses that it might be even later than 24 months this year.  So it's possible that we might not have Lincoln this year 2013 either.  You can imagine the feeling of discouragement and defeat we felt by this new development.  Those emotions were quickly replaced by panic: Lincoln will be so old by the time he comes to us! It will take much longer for him to attach to us as he realizes that we are his parents not the foster parents with whom he will have lived 2+ years!!!  Then it was also accompanied by this question, "Why, Lord???  Wouldn't Lincoln be so much better off with us right now?  Why are you taking so long???"

Well, as I was knitting today, not even thinking about Lincoln or anything related to him, God spoke to my heart powerfully.  I guess I had been acting a bit presumptuously.  He reminded me again that He is God and that is in control.  And yes, He is fully aware that Lincoln celebrated his first birthday (Dol) in Korea without us.  He also knows that Lincoln turned 14 months a few days ago.  I didn't need to remind Him.  In fact, although I think that I love this boy so much already, my love can't even compare to God's love for him.

Then I was convicted of my unbelief; the Lord who gave Lincoln to us back in July is suddenly not trustworthy or incapable of keeping His promise.  If I could trust Him during this whole process, how could I doubt Him now thinking that He would allow something horrible to happen to us and/or Lincoln.  If the Bible is true, and I wholeheartedly believe it is, then what it says about God is true that He LOVES us and Lincoln!!!  With my finite mind, how dare I dictate to the Creator of the universe when would be the best time for Lincoln to come home!  How laughable for the pot tell the potter how to make it!!!  In the same way, I MUST simply trust Him.  As Abraham believed in God's promise when he offered Isaac as a sacrifice although Isaac was the promised heir, I need to surrender my desire to "know" when Lincoln will join our family and instead continue to worship and have faith in the Lord.  My focus of late has been rather myopic, all about Lincoln.  However, I realize that I must not neglect my relationship with the Lord.  I need to continue to live my life and not put it on hold until Lincoln gets here.  God was faithful way before Lincoln was referred to us, before we had infertility problems, before we were even married, etc.  If that is the case, we should believe that He will be faithful to us to the end.

I am once again reminded of one of may favorite scriptures:
"Do you not know?  Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:28-31