Continuing to be Transparent

Since I started blogging, many of you have been unbelievably encouraging and complimentary regarding my updates.  While I really appreciate those responses, the fact of matter is that I feel terribly unqualified or unworthy to be blogging for an audience.  Let me explain.

First of all, I know many wonderful writers among family and friends.  When I read their writing, I feel awestruck and sometimes even envious at how they can utilize words so accurately to describe their thoughts.  These people seem to use words so effortlessly yet effectively, while I am busy with my two best friends: dictionary.com and thesaurus.com!

There are two main reasons for feeling completely self-conscious about my writing.  One reason is that as a child, I HATED reading.  In fact, I did not start enjoying reading until middle school!  Due to the lack of exposure to great literature, I was naturally a very poor writer.  I knew nothing about writing summaries or essays.  Because I was a late bloomer, I lagged and continue to trail others in reading and writing.  The irony is that this late bloomer tries to encourage her students, who remind her of herself, to read and inspire them to love reading!  (Our God has a sense of humor, for sure!)


Secondly, as you notice right away when reading my blog, English is not my first language.  My family immigrated from Korea when I was ten years old.  Using the English language is sometimes still very difficult.  I've been an introvert all my life, and so I am usually quiet in a large group setting.  And as a child, I hardly spoke in front of others because I refused to make mistakes and be made fun of.  (You know how cruel children can be!)  Therefore, I did not practice speaking English like the other English learners.  My English is a lot poorer than my sisters' and brother's as well.  So, my reservedness and unwillingness to take risks, got me where I am today - having trouble with this language.  Ugh!!!  By the way, my Korean isn't great either.  So I speak two languages imperfectly!!!

Due to these two obvious handicaps, never did I want people to read my writing.  However, in spite of my fears, I decided to blog for one reason: to share our adoption story.  However, unbeknownst to me, the more I blog, the more I realize that the focus isn't me or even adoption or our baby, Little Lee.  My story really has become God's story.  My message is He has allowed us to go through something seemingly so difficult for so long, yet, He has held me tenderly and closely in His arms this whole time.  It's the story of when I start to sense abandonment by my Heavenly Father, that He points out every little and big blessings, and reassures me that I am NOT alone.  Also, it's the reminder that when my life is spinning out of control, He whispers in my ears that the One who designed and created the stars and the planets, the delicate flowers and majestic seas, is still in control over everything, including my life.

Therefore, in spite of numerous grammar errors and inarticulate or incoherent writing at times, I will continue to honestly and humbly blog what I have learned.  I will do my best to be a jar of clay, to be used for the Master and for His purpose.  And I sincerely hope that the Lord uses my poorly written testimony to touch your heart.  Thanks for reading! :)