Little Lee...Lincoln Lee

I just "published" the story about Happy.  Who knew that last August, I would be adding this next post.  God is truly sovereign!
(Written on July 3, 2012)

Hello Family and Friends,

We have been trying, crying, and waiting for this day to come for almost 10 years.  And God is faithful...He has not forgotten us after all!!!  We are SUPER excited to announce our little Lee, Lincoln Lee!!!  We received our referral yesterday.  He was born on 12/13/11 and is a healthy little boy. He's living with a loving foster family right now.  We believe he's in a great place.  We can't wait to be united with him.

We named him Lincoln in hopes that he will make some lasting impact as President Lincoln did during his lifetime.  We pray that our little Lincoln will grow up to be a man who not only loves the Lord, but His people,  that he will be compassionate and kind to others and stand up for the powerless.  That is our prayer for our child.

Many of you may be wondering WHEN he's coming home.  Well, it's not that simple.  The second phase of paperwork and waiting begins.  We were told that it could take anywhere between 4-8 months.  I know!  Here we go again!  We would be so thankful if we could be allowed to go get him before the end of the year.  Do join us in prayer for our little Lincoln that he continues to grow healthy and that we are united soon.

Thank you for your support through prayers and some of you, financially.  This baby is truly a result of all of our prayers and God's faithfulness.

-Jenn & Chris

p.s.
From our social worker:
"You are more than welcome to share pictures with your family and friends "privately" (e.g. through email). You just can't post anything to a public forum like your facebook or a blog. Please remind family and friends to respect those boundaries as well when you share with them."

I plan to email Lincoln's pictures. But if you don't receive an email from me, that means I don't have your email address.  Please email me at ilovehappy@gmail.com.  Just to reiterate, please do NOT post his pictures on fb or blog.  Don't let us forfeit our baby because of our careless excitement.  Thanks for being understanding!!! :)

A Void in my Heart

(First written on August 30, 2011)
After about a year, now I think I am ready to blog about our greatest tragedy experienced thus far.

On August 14, 2011 around 5:30, our Blessing, a.k.a. Happy passed away.  In order to memorialize Happy, I am choosing to share on my blog.

This is what happened: For about a week, Happy's stool had been soft.  However, we weren't concerned because that had happened before.  Well, on Saturday, he kept having diarrhea.  I started to get a bit worried.  Then Sunday morning around 3 AM, he had vomited several times and there were pink stains on our bedroom floor.  I immediately took him outside.  After awhile, we all fell back to sleep.


Then Sunday morning around 8AM, when I woke up, Happy wasn't in our room anymore.  He had somehow gone downstairs.  When we went down, we discovered many pink stains all over the floor.  There was a trail of blood to every door because he wanted to go outside.  Happy looked terribly dehydrated and weak.  His back legs were covered in blood and matted from dry blood.  Once I let him out, blood was just pouring out.  Then we knew there was a problem.  We quickly wrapped him up in a towel and held him.  He had no energy as he looked completely lethargic.

Around 11AM, we finally got in touch with one of Chris' patient who is a vet.  We brought Happy in and had him examined.  She told us to leave him there for a few hours.  She thought that he would be better after receiving 4 different IVs.  We left him there and went and ran errands.  While we were running errands, the vet called with the bad news.  Apparently, Happy's body temperature was low and even after receiving all the IV, his body temperature dropped even more.  She then proceeded to tell us that she's seen many dogs pass away this way.


You can imagine our ride to the vet.  Neither one of us spoke in the car.  I started crying because I was thinking, 'She couldn't have meant that our Happy was dying!'  We had left him thinking that he had some digestion issues.  He was supposed to receive IV and some antibiotics and get better.  I was hoping and praying for a miracle.  Happy was only 12 years old.

When we arrived back at the vet and saw the doctor, she told us that we basically had two options:  we could take him to emergency room and let the professionals monitor him over night or take him home and we monitor him over night.  Either way, we were to bring him back to her for further testing the next day.  Without any hesitation, we decided that if there was even a slight possibility of his passing, then he would spend his last night with us, not at a hospital with strangers.

She then brought  him out wrapped in the towel we had brought in.  As soon as I saw him, I could not believe this was the same dog we had brought in.  It looked like he was barely holding on to his dear life.  As soon as the doctor left the room, I started wailing uncontrollably.  Happy looked like he was really dying.  We had never seen Happy looking this way.  He could not follow the command "stay" more than 2-3 seconds.  He would follow us everywhere.  And here he was, barely breathing.  If we weren't sure earlier, I had no doubt then;  He would go home with us, no matter what.

Then we headed home.  Chris was driving and I was holding Happy in my arms.  During the drive home, Happy's breathing became very labored.  His breathing was irregular.  It was intensely labored, then hardly breathing that I thought he had died.  Then back to labored breathing and quiet again.  After a few of these cycles, he tried to look up at me.  After the third time, he just dropped his dead, and there was no more movement about him.  He just laid in my arms.  No morning breathing.  Not even labored breathing.  No more movement.  I could not believe it!  He had left us!  Once we realized what had happened, we both started sobbing and wailing uncontrollably.  Our baby was gone!  Our energetic, hyper, territorial, loyal, devoted, unconditionally loving dog was no longer alive!  Happy was dead!
  

Those moments were traumatic.  In one minute, Happy was breathing.  And the next, he was no longer breathing but dead.  A few minutes later, we had arrived at home.  We called our vet back to inform her that Happy had passed.  She was very sorry for us.  But she told us that we had two options: either bury him tonight or bring him back to be cremated.  If I could, I wanted to sleep with him one last time.  However, because of his GI condition, the vet told us that he would start decomposing quickly.  Therefore, we chose cremation, and I decided that we would not keep his ashes because Happy would not be in the ashes.  I believe with all my heart that Happy is with the Lord.  Although it's completely unBiblical, but I believe that God is taking care of Happy now.

We brought Happy back to the vet.  I could not believe how stiff his body had become in half an hour.  By the time we handed him to the vet, he had become so stiff, he looked like taxidermy.  Although the last moment with Happy was tragic, the last image before we handed him over was a pleasant one.  It reminded me of Happy in the car when we would drive with the windows down, he would stick his head out at an angle and enjoy the wind.  As Chris handed Happy over, that's what his face reminded me of.  He was going for a fun ride with me.  He almost looked like he was smiling.

Many of you who have known us for a long time know how important Happy was to us.  He was our family; he was our baby.  Twelve years ago, a friend of my mother-in-law was trying to give away baby chihuahuas.  At that time, I had no desire to own a dog, let alone, a Taco Bell dog!  Reluctantly, I agreed to taking on a dog.  However, the first night I laid my eyes on him, I just fell in love with him.  He became MY dog, and I decided to name him that night.  I wanted to name him something simple and easy.  Of course, I looked in the Bible.  In Matthew chapter 5, in Beatitude, one of the meanings to the word "blessed" is happy.  I named that adorable chihuahua Happy because I prayed that he would be a blessing to us.  I had no idea how prophetic my act of naming Happy would be.

God knew that we would be childless all these years.  However, he wanted us to experience joy and blessing, so He chose to give us something that would love us UNCONDITIONALLY.  Dogs are such special beings.  Regardless of your look, intelligence, race, confidence level, ability, weight, etc., your dog loves you, just because!!!  Whenever we came home, we were greeted by this little 7 pounder with its tail wagging wildly.  Regardless of what type of day we had outside, he was happy that we were home.  I honestly believe that God sends these furry friends to show us UNconditional love.  We don't receive that from our parents, spouse, children, or best friends.  Therefore, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Happy was from the Lord.  Therefore, when He took Happy back, I was not mad at God.

My Last Picture with Happy at Jekyll Island (2011)

One of my all time favorite song called "Blessed Be Your Name," by Matt Redman has a line that says:
"You give and take away
You give and take away
But my heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your Name."

I believe that God gave Happy to us twelve years ago when we weren't even wanting or looking for a dog.  He knew we would need him.  Then suddenly, with no warning, our loving Father took Happy away; He took him back.  Who can understand the mind of the Lord?  In my finite mind, I choose to believe that the Creator of the universe knows what He's doing.  I love the Lord for letting us love and live with Happy for 12 years.  We will never forget him.  He will always have a special place in our hearts.

We miss you, Happy!!!  We LOVE you more than you will ever know!!!

When God...

Andy Stanley started a new sermon series called "When God..." last week.  Today he spoke on this very well-known verse "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Andy expressed how we want God to be made perfect NOT in our weaknesses but in our successes.  Many of us dream about giving credit to God when we receive that award or recognition, or run the bases, or reach the end zone.  When we are in the moment of glory, that's when we want to point to heaven/God and acknowledge His grace and power.  However, "God sometimes chooses to showcase His power on the stage of our weaknesses."(Andy Stanley)

Unfortunately or fortunately, that's my story or many of our stories.  For the years that Chris and I tried to get pregnant, I so desperately and longingly waited for THE day when we could showcase God's power by announcing our pregnancy.  And I would have given Him complete credit.  However, that day never came because He had something else in mind - He chose to use our weakness instead.

While listening to today's sermon, I was reminded of how God's grace has been made sufficient in our weakness in the last year.  About a year ago, I "revealed" my struggle to everyone I knew.  Although most people could have guessed my situation, I humbled myself and became transparent about our infertility.

Since I disclosed our struggle and shared about our adoption decision, I cannot believe all the encouragement I received in one year.  I've been overwhelmed by so many people sharing about their stories.  Some of my friends are adopted themselves.  Some have adopted their children.  Some struggled with infertility for many years before finally becoming pregnant.  I think for a long time I wanted to appear "invincible."  And it wasn't because I was so capable, but because I was simply a Christian.  I wanted the world to know that I was well put-together by the power of God.  However, by sharing my weakness, I truly believe that God was more glorified than in my strength.

I WISH I could say that there is a pretty bow to top off our baby journey, right now!  Regrettably, we are still waiting for our baby.  While waiting to receive our baby, however, I am determined for God to continue to showcase His power in our struggle and imperfect lives.  I will wait well on the Lord.  Even when God seems inattentive, uncooperative, and late, I choose to believe that  He NOT absent and that He is still GOD!

Good News and Bad News

I can't believe last time I blogged was THREE months ago!!!! :o  I need to update it more often as others are waiting for news.  Unfortunately, I don't have the news that people are waiting and wanting to hear.  However, I will try to work on it more this summer.  I now have NO excuse!

So, we finally met with our new case worker and the supervisor at the beginning of June.  They were lovely people.  I really felt like we were on the same page.  I was a bit nervous going into the meeting because I had no idea how it would be conducted, but they were both super sweet and understanding.

We now have a clearer picture of what is to come, which means some good news and bad news:
The BEST news is that our home study is finally completed!!!!!!!!!!  ALL of the paperwork is in!!!!  That means this report will be sent to Korea, and we start waiting to be matched with our baby!  However, the bad news is that starting now, it can take 18-24 months!  :( Of course, our two lovely ladies reminded us that it will happen sooner than that.  We were also informed that our baby will be at least 12 months old when we pick him/her up.  Even if we receive the referral when s/he is 6 months old, it can take another 6 months for immigration to process everything before we can actually go to Korea.

 

I found this picture browsing on google.  It is a bit morbid, but this picture portrays what I feel sometimes perfectly.  In the dead of winter, the two of us are waiting for this barren tree to become alive!  OUR "winter" months continues to be very long.  However, I know that God will bring Spring to our lives!  Then our tree will be alive with green leaves and beautiful flowers, birds perching on branches, branches providing shades, etc.  I can't wait until our "Spring" arrives!!!  

Now that home study is completed, I feel I have a reason to pray again.  And THANK YOU to all our prayer partners for lifting us up even when we were discouraged to pray.  Continue to lift us up during this painful "winter." 

More Waiting...

I so wish I can say that all our paperwork has been submitted.  It took sometime to turn in our what we thought was final document, a  letter from our CPA regarding Chris' income from his work.  There was a lot of preparation on our part.  However, once that letter was sent to our case worker, we were both excited that everything had been turned in.  Unfortunately, we received an email from her a week later informing us that now we were now just waiting for a letter from New York State regarding criminal background check for me.  She also added that it can take anywhere between 30 - 90 days.  Ugh!!!! :(  In fact, just when we thought we had turned in our "final" form, she has surprised us with one more form two or three times already! 

Then last week, our case worker told me that she received a letter from NY which stated that they could not complete the process because I had not provided them with NY address.  How could I NOT have written down my NY address when I was trying to get clearance from NY?!?!?!?!  I am not sure if I am buying it!!!  She just told me to fill out the form again and send it.  Then I asked her to fax the form, which never came.  She then sent me the link where I could print out the form directly.  Once I clicked on the link, wouldn't you know it, there were about 20 different forms and some in Spanish!!!  So, I had to email her again and asked for the form number so I would know exactly which form to print.  She tried to attach the form but didn't send it in the right format, and so it looked jibberish when I tried to open it.  Once she emailed me that correct form number, I figured out a way to open a PDF file instead.  Then I printed the form and guess what???  It looked nothing like the previous form I had filled out.  In fact, I had never seen or filled out this form before!!!!!!!!!!!!! :o

So, while this was going on, a few days ago, I found a letter in the mail from the State of Pennsylvania!  This letter also stated that they could not complete their process because I had not provided ALL of my addresses in the last 25 year!!!  Now, can someone tell me why Pennsylvania needs my NJ, NY, MA, and GA address to do my background check??? in PA no less???????  Btw, my case worker did not mention about NOT getting an ok from Pennsylvania. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

So, here we are, two months behind schedule!  According to our schedule, by now, the home study report should have been completed and sent to Korea and that we should be waiting for the referral.  Unfortunately, the report is still incomplete!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now...............I know that God is in control and all the paperwork will be submitted.  And as a friend reminded me last night, we will have THE baby we are supposed to have.  However, the human side of me is having a real hard time believing that it will happen! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I just wish it was easier to have a baby!!!  Well, this simply means that at this time, I need to have FAITH (being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see!!! Heb. 11:1)  And this is one of those cases that require real, genuine, no-nonsense kind of faith because there is so much uncertainty and some incompetency on the part of our case worker.  While I am tempted to talk to her supervisor, I am afraid of the repercussion.  We will have to complete this process with her one way or another.  Can you imagine how awkward our next meeting can be after expressing our concerns to her superior?!?!  So instead, we will do our best to continue to trust that God will take care of us and our baby and that He will bring us together in His perfect time.  In the meantime, we stay thankful as we are continuously amazed by our friends and family's generosity. 

Thank you, Lord, for reminding us in the midst of all the turmoils and testing of our patience, that you do indeed love us and that you have not abandoned us as you remind us through the generous gifts of others!!! :)

"Neither way is superior; both are special, and both are great ways to have a child of your very own."

I lifted this article from a friend (LS)'s FB page.

“Adoption is Not the Same as Having a Child of Your Own”

Posted by Dawn Davenport - May 18th, 2010 - 42 Comments  

Published in * Adoption, * Infertility, Adoptive Parenting, parenting after infertility

Last week, I blogged on some insensitive comments posted on an essay about the pain felt by many infertile woman on Mother’s Day.  (“Why Not Just Adopt”)  It wasn’t, however, just the infertile that were maimed by thoughtlessness.  A number of comments by infertile people in response to the questions of why not adopt echoed Maire: “Adoption is not the same as having a child of your own.”

The statement that adoption is not the same as having a child of your own is both remarkably accurate and remarkably wrong.  The first part—“not the same as”—is quite true.  Adoption and giving birth are two very different ways of creating your family.  Just as New York City and Paris are two different vacation destinations, or chocolate and vanilla are two different flavors of ice cream.

Adoptive parent don’t get to experience the joys and pains of pregnancy and birth.  They don’t have the visual proof of impending parenthood and the communal sharing this elicits.  They miss out on the wonder of seeing a tiny foot or head or butt make waves across the belly.  They don’t get to indulge in the pregnant parent’s favorite pastime–playing Guess the Gene. “Whose nose she will have” or “Will he get grandma’s gigantic feet?”  They likely won’t get to breastfeed exclusively.  The expense of adoption, while often similar to the expense of giving birth, is covered by the adoptive parents rather than insurance.  And then there is the worry about the unknown–prenatal exposures, genetic conditions, emotional state of the expectant mother, and on and on.

We seem to focus so readily on what adoptive parent miss by not giving birth that we overlook what parents by birth miss by not adopting.  As a mother by birth and adoption, I have often felt a little sorry for people who haven’t adopted.  They have missed so much.

If you haven’t adopted you haven’t felt the breath holding excitement of “getting the call” announcing that a birth mother has chosen you (domestic adoption) or that a child has been referred (international adoption).  You’ve missed the wonder of meeting a fully formed human being that is your child, complete with all the unspoken possibilities of that relationship.  Oh, and you’ll never have the pins and needles sensation of waiting to travel to pick up your child whether you’re driving across town or flying across an ocean—making lists, packing and unpacking, giggling at absolutely nothing, and worrying over absolutely everything.

People who’ve never adopted have never felt the overwhelming intensity of first meeting their child.  It’s hard to explain the giddy anticipation mixed with unnamed anxiety.  This combination of emotions helps etch even the tiniest details into your memory forever– the colors, the smells, the words, the emotions.  For me, this moment is one of my “mountain top experiences”.

Adoption can make the everyday seem miraculous.  The moment when this child that you met only a few months or even weeks before seeks you, and only you, out of the crowd with her eyes.  The moment when you realize that your small developmentally delayed child is now a robust into-everything preschooler, and the quiet pride you feel knowing that but for you, these gains may not have happened.  The contentment in knowing that you took a risk and it paid off.  A feeling of satisfaction unique to adoptive parents when we look around our Thanksgiving table and realize that we are a family created by choice and love.

Yes Marie, you’re so right.  Creating a family by adoption is not the same as creating a family by birth.  You couldn’t be more wrong, however, about the “child of your own” part.

I’m not exactly sure what Marie and others meant by “a child of your own”, but it implies a desire for a child who looks and acts like you.  A child you conceive will share half your DNA, and while it’s true that appearance and certain characteristics are influenced by genetics, what’s most interesting from research, as well as from my personal experience, is how little of our traits, personality, and intelligence are controlled exclusively by our genes.  (I highly recommend the Dec. 9, 2009 Creating a Family  show we did on Nature vs. Nurture).

A child conceived and born of you and your spouse will be a mixing of two different gene pools, with a unique environment thrown in for good measure.  Your child by birth may be nothing like you at all.  I can honestly say that I am no more similar to my kids by birth than to my kid by adoption.  And for the record, similarities are overrated.  Being similar to a child doesn’t guarantee closeness or parental enjoyment.  In fact, sometimes it means just the opposite.  Also, it’s easy to find similarities with all your kids, if you look for them.

I suspect that those who made the comments are seeking a feeling of “this child is mine”.  But what they are missing is that this feeling comes through the acts of parenting.  Sure, giving birth is one act, and a big darn act at that, but parenting is made up of thousands of acts each day, and it is the sum total of all these acts of claiming that creates this feeling of “owness”.  Biology has little to do with it, unless you make it.

I worry a little when I hear the word “own” used in relation to our children.  I am sure that Marie would assure me that she wasn’t using “own” in the possessive sense, but I wonder.  I know that before I had children, and even when my children were young, I thought of them as an extension of myself.  It was only after my children grew older that I completely grasped the concept that I am only along for a short part of the ride.  I can influence and guide, but never own.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to go all Kahlil Gibran on you, but your kids are never really yours regardless how they join your family.

I can hear it now, all these things I mentioned that are special about adoption are not necessarily unique to adoption.  Parents by birth can and do have some of these same experiences.  True enough, but doesn’t that help make the bigger point?  I have always realized that I am immensely blessed to have had children by both birth and adoption. I can’t imagine not having had the joy and excitement of doing it both ways.  Neither way is superior; both are special, and both are great ways to have a child of your very own.

Continuing to be Transparent

Since I started blogging, many of you have been unbelievably encouraging and complimentary regarding my updates.  While I really appreciate those responses, the fact of matter is that I feel terribly unqualified or unworthy to be blogging for an audience.  Let me explain.

First of all, I know many wonderful writers among family and friends.  When I read their writing, I feel awestruck and sometimes even envious at how they can utilize words so accurately to describe their thoughts.  These people seem to use words so effortlessly yet effectively, while I am busy with my two best friends: dictionary.com and thesaurus.com!

There are two main reasons for feeling completely self-conscious about my writing.  One reason is that as a child, I HATED reading.  In fact, I did not start enjoying reading until middle school!  Due to the lack of exposure to great literature, I was naturally a very poor writer.  I knew nothing about writing summaries or essays.  Because I was a late bloomer, I lagged and continue to trail others in reading and writing.  The irony is that this late bloomer tries to encourage her students, who remind her of herself, to read and inspire them to love reading!  (Our God has a sense of humor, for sure!)


Secondly, as you notice right away when reading my blog, English is not my first language.  My family immigrated from Korea when I was ten years old.  Using the English language is sometimes still very difficult.  I've been an introvert all my life, and so I am usually quiet in a large group setting.  And as a child, I hardly spoke in front of others because I refused to make mistakes and be made fun of.  (You know how cruel children can be!)  Therefore, I did not practice speaking English like the other English learners.  My English is a lot poorer than my sisters' and brother's as well.  So, my reservedness and unwillingness to take risks, got me where I am today - having trouble with this language.  Ugh!!!  By the way, my Korean isn't great either.  So I speak two languages imperfectly!!!

Due to these two obvious handicaps, never did I want people to read my writing.  However, in spite of my fears, I decided to blog for one reason: to share our adoption story.  However, unbeknownst to me, the more I blog, the more I realize that the focus isn't me or even adoption or our baby, Little Lee.  My story really has become God's story.  My message is He has allowed us to go through something seemingly so difficult for so long, yet, He has held me tenderly and closely in His arms this whole time.  It's the story of when I start to sense abandonment by my Heavenly Father, that He points out every little and big blessings, and reassures me that I am NOT alone.  Also, it's the reminder that when my life is spinning out of control, He whispers in my ears that the One who designed and created the stars and the planets, the delicate flowers and majestic seas, is still in control over everything, including my life.

Therefore, in spite of numerous grammar errors and inarticulate or incoherent writing at times, I will continue to honestly and humbly blog what I have learned.  I will do my best to be a jar of clay, to be used for the Master and for His purpose.  And I sincerely hope that the Lord uses my poorly written testimony to touch your heart.  Thanks for reading! :)